A United States airman is being heralded as a hero after becoming the first service member in history to successfully open an MRE with only his mouth.
Last Friday, Air Force Staff Sgt. Joe Davis showed great personal courage, ingenuity, and psychotic disregard for his own personal safety when he tore open an MRE with his pearly white teeth. According to Davis, he wasn’t trying to show off or do anything exceptional; rather, he says, he was just trying something new.
“I had never seen an MRE before,” said Davis. “I was having a lot of trouble opening it, and there weren’t any soldiers nearby to open it for me so I decided to try to rip it open with my teeth. It worked, but I scratched my face a little.”
According to eyewitness accounts, Davis was participating in the first — and probably only — field problem of his career when someone accidentally handed him an MRE instead of the lobster and corn crème brǔlée he had requested for lunch.
The standard operating procedure for United States airmen encountering MREs is to break contact and fall back to the nearest Air Force dining facility. With no such option, Davis spent the next several minutes struggling to open the MRE with his well-lotioned hands before ripping into the plastic packaging with his teeth. In this manner, Davis managed to open the bag but with so much gusto that the shredded plastic inflicted a massive gash up the side of his face that will leave him disfigured for the rest of his life.
Was it worth it? Davis says yes. He told Coffee or Die Magazine that he plans on eating the MRE as soon as he’s able to move his face without ripping out one of his 47 stitches. “The MRE I got is called Cheese and Veggie Omelet,” he said, “and I bet it’s pretty good!”
SATIRE DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire. It is fiction. The events depicted in this article did not happen. The airman’s injuries are simulated — not real — and he was not actually egregiously wounded trying to open an MRE ... because in real life, airmen don’t eat MREs; they eat lobster and corn crème brǔlée.