Airman Successfully Opens MRE With Mouth

Mission Assurance Exercise 22-6 tests JBER’s emergency response capabilities

An airman proudly poses for a photo moments after successfully tearing open an MRE with his mouth. US Air Force photo by Alejandro Peña.

US Air Force photo by Alejandro Peña.

A United States airman is being heralded as a hero after becoming the first service member in history to successfully open an MRE with only his mouth.

Last Friday, Air Force Staff Sgt. Joe Davis showed great personal courage, ingenuity, and psychotic disregard for his own personal safety when he tore open an MRE with his pearly white teeth. According to Davis, he wasn’t trying to show off or do anything exceptional; rather, he says, he was just trying something new.

“I had never seen an MRE before,” said Davis. “I was having a lot of trouble opening it, and there weren’t any soldiers nearby to open it for me so I decided to try to rip it open with my teeth. It worked, but I scratched my face a little.”

According to eyewitness accounts, Davis was participating in the first — and probably only — field problem of his career when someone accidentally handed him an MRE instead of the lobster and corn crème brǔlée he had requested for lunch.

The standard operating procedure for United States airmen encountering MREs is to break contact and fall back to the nearest Air Force dining facility. With no such option, Davis spent the next several minutes struggling to open the MRE with his well-lotioned hands before ripping into the plastic packaging with his teeth. In this manner, Davis managed to open the bag but with so much gusto that the shredded plastic inflicted a massive gash up the side of his face that will leave him disfigured for the rest of his life.

Was it worth it? Davis says yes. He told Coffee or Die Magazine that he plans on eating the MRE as soon as he’s able to move his face without ripping out one of his 47 stitches. “The MRE I got is called Cheese and Veggie Omelet,” he said, “and I bet it’s pretty good!”

SATIRE DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire. It is fiction. The events depicted in this article did not happen. The airman’s injuries are simulated — not real — and he was not actually egregiously wounded trying to open an MRE ... because in real life, airmen don’t eat MREs; they eat lobster and corn crème brǔlée.

Read Next: 4 American Units That Conducted Multiple Combat Jumps During the Vietnam War

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
More from Coffee or Die Magazine
A new Marine Corps physical training uniform will have shorter shorts than previous versions, but they won’t be as short as the long-banned, skin-tight, still-beloved “silkies.”
Not enough fuel, too many miles to go over open ocean, and the aircrew was flying into a spot they call the Black Hole.
During ferocious fighting in Anzio, Italy, Harold Nelson’s commander wrote to Nelson’s mother that he’d been put in for a Silver Star. Now 107, Nelson finally got it.
After a week of competition at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, four squads will travel to Washington, DC, for the last event of the Army-wide Best Squad competition — an interview panel with Pentagon leaders, including the sergeant major of the Army.
After more than seven months of full-scale warfare, Russian gas still flows through Ukraine to Europe each day.
A fleet of US Coast Guard and Army National Guard helicopters has descended on hurricane-ravaged Sanibel Island.
About one in five C-130s in the Air Force is out of service as older C-130Hs, which were first introduced in the 1970s, are grounded to have their propellers inspected.
The aircraft carrier Gerald R. Ford will spend at least one more day in Virginia.
Ford’s technological glitches included propulsion problems, hinky elevators, and gremlins in the catapults.
Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 Vietnam War epic “Apocalypse Now” is one of the most recognizable war movies ever made, yet few fans are familiar with the insane story behind its production.