NASA Says It Still Hasn’t Found Evidence of Aliens, so What the F*** Do These Guys Do All Day?


Evidence of aliens? Nah, it’s probably just a weather balloon. Photo courtesy of Unsplash.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Thursday that it is assembling a special team to investigate unidentified aerial phenomena (UAPs) — or, as it noted, “events in the sky that cannot be identified as aircraft or known natural phenomena.” In the same announcement, however, the agency also stated that there is “no evidence UAPs are extra-terrestrial in origin.”

Go home, NASA. You’re drunk.

Let’s get one thing straight: Aliens are real. I know it, you know it, your dog knows it, and so do the folks over at NASA, whose sole purpose in life is to explore the deep, dark depths of outer space. So what the fuck is going on here? Are they playing dumb? Or do these astronauts just not bother to look out the window whenever they’re up there flying around Neptune or whatever?

NASA’s remarks would make more sense if they were made 100 years ago. But this is 2022 for crying out loud. All you have to do is type a couple of simple words into YouTube and you’ll find a galaxy of UFO videos, even ones taken by members of the United States military. And yet NASA says in its press release that the “limited number of observations of UAPs currently makes it difficult to draw scientific conclusions about the nature of such events.” How many do the folks there need?

NASA’s UAP investigation team will be led by astrophysicist David Spergel, president of the Simons Foundation and previous chair of astrophysics at Princeton University. That’s a cool fancy title, but my uncle Rob is the president of the local Dukes of Hazzard fan club and has a certificate of appreciation from Shoney’s and he will tell you what UAPs are for free (though he could definitely use the money): They are aliens. End of story. Case closed.

The investigation will take approximately nine months to conduct and will rely on outside counsel from experts in the scientific, aeronautics, and data analytics communities. With all those nerds involved weighing in, you can bet your ass that whatever conclusion they arrive at is going to be the lamest, nerdiest, most boring explanation for UAPs that one could possibly think of. These are the same people who claim Bigfoot is just a tall guy in a monkey suit and that Mothman isn’t real. Now they’re going to ruin aliens, too.

NASA’s search for the cause of UAPs is a worthwhile endeavor. We’d like to know the truth behind whether these sightings are evidence of aliens as well. But its initial statement regarding UAPs and the existence of extraterrestrial life makes us worried that it has already ruled that out as a possible explanation. Sure, there is no evidence that the UAPs we’ve seen are extraterrestrial in origin — but there isn’t any evidence that they’re not either.

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Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
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