Special Forces Weapons Sergeant Insists He’s Not the Dumbest Guy on the Team

U.S. Army Special Forces Weapons Training

U.S. Soldiers assigned to 1-10th Special Forces Group utilize a Local Training Area to practice various tactical procedures including door breaching and building clearing. This training exercise took place at the Boeblingen Local Training Area, Boeblingen, Germany, Nov. 18, 2016. (U.S. Army photo by Visual Information Specialist Jason Johnston)

A Special Forces weapons sergeant discovers that hammers are actually meant for pounding nails, not people’s skulls. US Army photo by Visual Information Specialist Jason Johnston.

Commonly referred to as the Forrest Gumps of the ODA, Special Forces weapons sergeants (18 Bravos) are often at the receiving end of jokes challenging their intelligence and mocking the comparative simplicity of their role on a Special Forces team.

Now, one semi-sentient 18 Bravo has stepped out of his lifted Dodge Ram and into the spotlight after claiming that he isn’t the dumbest guy on his team.

Mike, Special Forces weapons sergeant and walking poster man-child for the Dunning-Kruger effect, recently informed his team that he isn’t the dumbest guy on the ODA after a cross-training event in which he successfully hammered a nail.

“We were really proud of him,” said Bill, the team’s engineer and soldier, whose training consisted of more than just shooting guns for a few weeks. “We didn’t have the heart to tell him that he actually hammered a screw and completely fucked the door frame with his apelike hammering. We just let him have his moment and went back in later and made the repairs.”

Special Forces

A Special Forces candidate trudges through a swamp because he couldn’t swim well enough to be a PJ. US Army photo by K. Kassens.

Easily distinguishable as the huge guys on an ODA who never shut up about hunting bad guys or being hard to kill, 18 Bravos labor under the assumption that they are, in fact, the only people in the United States Army who shoot bad guys and know how to operate a firearm, which their teammates permit because 18 Bravos are actually pretty good at shooting people and operating different types of firearms.

As is customary for 18 Bravos, Mike centers the entirety of his personality around his Ranger tab and Five Finger Death Punch. Inspired by his engineering prowess and newly discovered intellect, Mike is now pursuing a master’s degree in counterterrorism from an online university, as is customary of his MOS and people who don’t actually want a job.

Mike plans on leveraging his Special Forces background and three months of Rosetta Stone Spanish into a career with the FBI or DEA after service, but he will likely lose out to someone else on his team or an applicant who is actually qualified.

“If none of that shit works out, I’ll probably just start an apparel company or become a social media influencer,” Mike said. “Shit, maybe I’ll start a coffee company. I don’t know. I’m smart. I’ll figure something out.”

In case you didn’t figure it out, Mike is (mostly) not a real person. This is satire, a work of fiction. Carry on.

Read Next: US Coast Guard Tampa Bay Rescue: 3 Boaters, 1 Buoy, but No Boat

Eric Miller is a former Army Combat Medic from Parkersburg, West Virginia. He holds a bachelor’s degree in history and has worked with homeless populations and veteran services throughout the state. He is an avid outdoorsman and has recently become interested in woodworking.
More from Coffee or Die Magazine
Airmen assigned to the MacDill Air Force Base are allowed to evacuate as Hurricane Ian approaches, but some may have to pay for their own evacuation.
The combined Chinese-Russian surface action group intercepted by US forces earlier in September in the Bering Sea was far more powerful than initially reported.
Ukraine’s defense intelligence agency reported that Russian commanders authorized rear detachments to open fire on soldiers who abandon their battlefield positions.
A Houston, Texas, couple was stunned to find that a gun case they bought from an online surplus retailer held a dozen M16-style rifles.
The defense team is trying to punch holes in the prosecution’s theory about what caused the Bonhomme Richard blaze.
The Chinese-Russian surface action group was sailing north of Kiska Island.
Larry Nemec mysteriously disappeared off his boat near Galveston, Texas.
NCIS claims Seaman Recruit Ryan Mays sparked the $1.2 billion Bonhomme Richard blaze.
TacGas, a media production company for the tactical and entertainment industries, made its mark producing and capturing hyperrealistic and supremely accurate military simulations for its clients’ marketing and training needs.
Now that active-duty Army recruits can select their first duty stations, Alaska’s bases and Fort Carson, Colorado, have come out on top. Midwestern bases and Bragg — not so much.